Over the past ten years since my little sister told me she was gay I have tried to understand what she is going through and help her deal with life. It's a rough road to grow up in an LDS family and have such strong same gender feelings. It's easy to feel evil and depressed. Although she has gotten past that stage in her life, it's still difficult to deal with. Since she is being more open with everyone, I thought I'd share what I've learned in case it can help anyone else relate better to someone in a similar situation. I'm not an expert at all, but at least I'm less clueless than I used to be. (And to those of you that know Heather, she is happy to talk more about it)As her big sister who has all the answers (ha!) I've gone through different phases of trying to find solutions for her to be happy. Pray and it will go away. Fall in love with a boy and then you can just focus on him. Be single and be happy about it the rest of your life, just like straight people who can't find their match. Really none of those are solutions though because she has tried them all with no success.
When people are straight and single they at least have that hope that someday they will meet the perfect person for them. When you don't want to be in a gay relationship, but that is who you are attracted to, you feel hopeless and alone. It makes friendships difficult too. You want to have close friendships, but not too close that it's unhealthy for you. It's never fun to fall in love with someone you can't be with.
I guess some people are attracted to the same gender and then later are able to have healthy heterosexual relationships, but that isn't always how it works. I read the book, "No More Good-byes" and it talked about a scale from 1-6. People that are a 1 are completely straight, no sexual feelings towards same sex at all. 6 is homosexual. In between are people that are bisexual, or people that have a little more option in choosing gay or straight. If you are a 2 or 3 and want to live a heterosexual lifestyle, it's not that drastic to find someone to fall in love with and make a marriage work. But if you're a 5 or 6, that's just not realistic, as in Heather's case.
There are a lot of strong active people in the church that are gay, but don't act on their feelings. I'm sure it is very difficult, but what do you do when you love God and the church and are gay? Some people can't take it anymore and commit suicide. Even if God commands people to not have same gender relationships, I don't think He sees suicide as a better alternative.
I worry about the youth out there realizing how they feel and struggling to know what to do about it. I hope they will have understanding people to help them feel loved by God and everyone around them.
I'm sure it effects people in different levels of intensity. Heather is a very emotional person who puts so much into the relationships of her life. Being homosexual effects her everyday. I wish I had a solution for Heather. She has told me she knows she needs to live her values to be happy. The conflict comes because she has a value of having her needs met, by being loved and cared about in a relationship with a woman. However, she also has a value of following God and living the gospel.
I know she does all she can to reach out to others feeling the same way and help support them. She is an amazing person who deserves to have a happy life and I hope she finds a way to live all her values, even though right now the path is unclear.
8 comments:
Becca thanks for sharing that. I thought you addressed everything with such a loving tone. It really gives new perspective and understanding to those who are gay in the church. I know several who are, and you are spot on.
I think your sister is in an incredibly difficult position and I'm glad she has you and hopefully many many more folks to support her. She has my admiration.
I wish people in our church understood this more. You hear so many horrible comments from people who don't have any idea on what the gospel says about the subject, and how horrible it must make people who deal with it feel. It's such a tough position for someone who is gay and wants to stay strong in the Church. Kudos to your sister. I hope she finds a path that brings her happiness. It sounds like she has a really great family to back her up.
thanks becca for your post. i actually just found out that one of my cousins is gay, so it has been on my mind a lot. i appreciate all that you said. thanks.
I have sometimes been asked for counsel by youth who felt I was approachable on this subject. I have emphasized that we are responsible for our actions and that if live worthily (meaning keep temple covenants: no sex outside of marriage, etc), the Lord accepts our sacrifices. I don't know what else to say...it's so hard. We all have struggles,but I don't understand why some of our brothers and sisters are given this challenge? I agree with the other posts, your sister is blessed to have you as her sister.
Wow, this is such a difficult topic to broach. I think your approach is so very loving and Christlike. I think too often in the Church we view things as in black and white. I know that we still have values and choices to makes, but it doesn't make those challenges any easier. I'm really glad to hear that your sister is so open and that you are being so supportive. You're a good person!
Wow, this is such a difficult topic to broach. I think your approach is so very loving and Christlike. I think too often in the Church we view things as in black and white. I know that we still have values and choices to makes, but it doesn't make those challenges any easier. I'm really glad to hear that your sister is so open and that you are being so supportive. You're a good person!
I love what you said and how you said it. This has been a learning experience for me as well. It is so important to love and not judge, we never know what someone else is going through. I find it hard to call Heather gay because that implies a whole lifestyle that she is not living. There isn't a word for what Heather is going through. I pray for her always to find peace in whatever form it may come. She is a wonderful sister and aunt. She is loved in her challenges, all of them whatever they are.
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